A Different Kind of Coming Out Problem

[mgh48]

Hey all!

I've just recently returned to the dating scene, have met an good guy and we are moving slowly closer. Slow is how I want it right now, as I've been out of the social scene for many a year. By choice.

So, enter in the new guy. Generally intelligent, up on current-events here in the US, taller than me, stronger than me (and I'm quite strong), masculine like me and I'd say, average looks like me. Physical contact feels good---though, as I said or implied rather, we are going very slow in the more, ahem, intimate aspects. ahem.

Those are the positive qualities. Here are the negatives:

Strongly opinionated on certain issues (mainly political). Bad dresser! He's an outdoors kinda guy and gives short shrift to any sort of fashionable look. And, the biggie: only his closest family members know he's Gay. He hasn't even told his best friend.

And, I'm becoming irritated about it. Of course, of course, I'll never pressure anyone into 'coming out'. We all know this has to be fully chosen by each of us, the how, the where and the why. I know I shouldn't find this annoying, but it is.

Soon, I'm going up to his place to spend some time with him 'in the country' and I keep thinking: what if his best friend shows up? What am I supposed to do? Stop hugging him then? How do I explain who the hell I am? What if the guy starts to suspect something and it all comes out---in the wrong way. Nevermind the fact that I think anyone who would drop a long-time best friend because it turns out they are Gay isn't really a friend. I don't want to be responsible for this happening.

I have no idea what to do or say--even if I should say anything to him about it. But I can't deny that it rankles; I won't be able to hide this.

Any ideas?

Geoff

[apollux]

Hmmm.... From my experience, people try to date other people around a certain age not just because of the looks associated with that age, but also with the state of mind and life goals.

For example, If you are dating a 20 something boy you can pretty much guarantee that settling down, opening a joint business, moving in and growing old together IS NOT in the top of this priorities. Likewise, if you are dating a 40 something man, you can expect that going out clubbing every night and trying different sex partners most likely ARE NOT on his top priorities... so you usually date people from a certain age compatible with your mind set.

This long intro is to put things in perspective. Just like life goals and expectations on a relationship change with age, so does with the level of outness. A person deep within the closet would expect some late night phone calls and quick get-together's at the end of the work day/week and will be perfectly happy with that. A person who has been out for a couple of years is reasonably expecting going out with common friends, weekends with both families, candle lit dinners, raunchy text messages at the middle of the work day, etc. etc.

So, once again, you try to date around your age AND around your outness level. Must people (myself included) is willing to put up with age differences, but not easily with outness levels -the "I was once in the closet and barely survived it, won't go back into it again" mentality- differences. Unless the "more outed" member of the couple is willing to downgrade his expectations and wait for the other member to evolve out of the closet the relations is quite certain destined for doom, or to be nothing else but a sex-driven relationship to blow steam and don't expect nothing more out of it.

Don't even think about rushing your partner out of the closet by putting him under pressure, nor about outing him yourself. THAT IS 100% CERTAIN to backfire and doom the relationship, even if he thanks you in a couple of decades YOUR relationship is doomed. Coming out is a process that must go at each person's pace and can't be rushed.

Sometimes you bet on waiting and the bet pays of (look at the movie "Shelter" for an example), but in my experience the odds are against you big time.

My advice: Have a heart-to-heart conversation whit him about what you both expect of "a long term relationship" (not necessarily yours). And decide if YOU are willing to compromise on that level. I wouldn't but your mileage migh vary.

[sheepiefarm]

Hi mgh48

It's difficult to know what to say since only you know how well you interact with each other.
However, you say that

I won't be able to hide this.

If this is the case then maybe you should consider talking to him about it.
It may be just that he is completely unaware at how unsure you are with this situation.
I am no-one to give advice on relationships (never had one) but the one thing I do know is important in them is that you have to be able to discuss things with each other.
I won't presume to give you advice on how to "approach" or "initiate" that discussion - you know your guy better than anyone - but tackling it now is surely better than allowing events to overtake you?

[neand48]

Has your guy ever said that he intends to come out to his best friend... eventually?
If yes, then I'd say you might want to grin and bear it for a while, but not so long that you're ready to be put out to pasture.
If no, then you seriously need to find out whether or not he intends to.
And to quote sheepiefarm (our very wise Scottish friend):
"I won't presume to give you advice on how to "approach" or "initiate" that discussion - you know your guy better than anyone - but tackling it now is surely better than allowing events to overtake you?"

BAD DRESSER? I'm afraid you're on your own on that one.

[mgh48]

We did talk about it and decided to go our separate ways. Neither one of us was too emotionally involved at this point---just the potential was there. So, we've ended it all.

I'm really surprised that this became an issue for me. If you had asked me if being 'out' was important to me last year, I would've instantly said, no - why would it?

Strange how I've changed recently. heh.

I believe it was really putting him on the spot, though I never once said anything about him coming out or suggested he do it. I know I let slip that it seemed strange that he wouldn't even tell his best friend.

As for the bad dresser, yeah. The second date he was dressed even worse heh. He's just an outdoorsy kinda guy who just will not conform to the dictates of 'good taste' when it comes to clothes and hair.

So, we discovered it wasn't going to work out. Just glad we did before anyone got hurt. Thanks for the advice, guys!

Geoff