What to expect when you are comming out.

[apollux]

I´m by no means a psychiatrist or any other type of mental health professional, but as someone who has (and still is) going trough the coming out process, and who has done a fair bit of research on the subject, I think what comes next is some valuable information for those thinking of coming out, or are in the middle of the process.

The motivations for coming out of the closet sure are different for everyone, but there seems to be a common trait: Eventually you realize that you are spending more energy hiding you sexual preference and living a double life than if you where been honest with the people you care. Living a double life can be emotionally tasking , even if it doesn't seem so at first.

Whatever your reason to come out, let's suppose you have decided to come out (or has just been "outed" by someone else)... what to expect now?

CASE 1. They already knew.

Believe it or not, this is quite common, specially when it comes to brothers, best friends and people with whom you have a lot of trust on your OTHER everyday issues.

On this case you can expect to be teased a little, to have them ask you MANY questions about how it is like, how long has you know, etc. etc., but they won't be really shocked and will be cool with the new situation in a very short while (sometimes is a matter of minutes).

CASE 2. They had strong suspicions before.

On this case there might be a little more drama, but in general it will turn out for the best and they will be cool with it (they have been processing the idea on the backs of their minds for some time now). On a worst case scenario you can expect something along the lines of "... well, I understand your position/point of view, but I don't share it... so we can agree to disagree and move on.... as long as you respect my point of view I´ll respect yours".

CASE 3. They really couldn't care less about it.

Believe it or not, you will find many "so what?" responses to your coming out. One tends to believe that our own secret is THE biggest deal in the world, and that everything will change once the secret is out... just to be faced with such anticlimax of an answer.

In this case the best is to assume a "no news is good news" attitude and move on with your regular interactions with that person.

CASE 4. They had no clue and they honestly care about you.

This is a common case with parents. On this case the revelation of your sexual preference is seem as a shocking news and will take some time to be processed.

For situations like this there is the so-called "Grief Cycle" that comes into play and YOU must be aware of it's inner workings a be prepared to provide the shocked person with moral and emotional support.

You can read about the grief cycle changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm and at home.messiah.edu/~chase/h/articles/davies/2.htm. By the way, most of the studies related to the Grief Cycle are related to terminal illness or death.. that's because on that situations the cycle was first discovered... that is in no way saying that coming out is equaled to dying or anything like that, just so that you know.

The most important part is for YOU to understand that coming to terns with the new (for them) reality won't happen overnight and is going to take some honest communication between you two.... and

If you are in this case, be wary of acceptations that come to soon in the process. When I first came out to my family I got the usual "we love you no matter what" speech.. only to find my mom crying in a corridor 2 weeks later.

She was still on the shock stage, and her previous speech was sort of "what was expected from her", just a front while she was having some serious struggles with herself... I´m happy to report that 2 years latter we have moved to the reorganization step, this time for real.

The bottom line on this case is to we aware of the other person's feelings and be prepared to supply them with answers, emotional support and don't expecting overnight miracles, but keep hope because the miracle will come.

Care to share your coming out experience?

[camacho]

My mom was actually a "Case 1" type - when I came out to here, she said: "oh, I already guessed that."

[calaeb]

Let's not forget CASE 5 [brought to you by my mother]...
Deny, deny, deny.
AND
It's never to late! This could all just be a phase!

Look, let's be honest, sometimes you just have to make your own family. It takes A LOT of emotional energy to keep reaching out that olive branch (especially when it's met with a chainsaw). I came out early in my teens and left home within days of the announcement. Now that well over a decade has passed, I've formed a new family, a chosen family -- I may not have been born with them, but they'll soon surpass my parents in years of lending support. That's what makes a family!

[ankyfrilles]

I was six when Id rather play with the dolls my girl cousins have lying around. I was seven years old when I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to be the bride in a white wedding gown instead of being the groom in drab dove grey suit: screaming " I wanna get married! I wanna get married in that dress!" In grade school I was open with my sexuality. I have no problems coming out because I was out since day 1. But things changed as I reached puberty and High School, I had too much testosterone. I liked sports a lot and played soccer. I was on the swimteam, the sailing / rowing team and win in the regatta. I have developed a killer body and a handsome physique let alone a macho image and nowadays I have to come out to every girl who tries to grope me because the female population thinks I am a good catch. At 6foot five 217 lbs even the guys I have a crush on are scared that I might pull a butch number on them so they stay away. I look like a bully/kung fu master but if they only knew I am very gentle and soft inside. This Ollie and Cristian Story brought out a lot from inside of me. That I dont have to wear the white brocade satin dress to get myself a man. As a small kid I always thought I have to wear the white silk veil to gain happiness. Because all the story books say " They lived happily ever after"....I have discovered that I need not be feminine to have a guy to love me. I can be as butch as I can and still be loved. All I need is to be myself. Hopefully someday I will fall madly in love too just like Olie and Cristian.

[alex]

My best experience was with a friend (a girl) who ask me for a 2 couples dinner, she said : "My boyfriend, me, you and your boyfriend". In the same time, she said she known and accepted it, and like me
Just a question...
How do you react to the "so what"?
For me it's the best and the worst ...
The best because it mean, I'm like everyone, they don't matter
The worst because, I'm like everyone, and (like everyone) I don't want to be like everyone, and it also mean "why did I figth so long with myself ?"
I really want to know if it happen to you, and how you react

[schteev]

i came out to my mom 2 months ago. it really wasnt a big deal, suprisingly. we had both just assumed that i was gay and she knew.
now, this wasnt the case for my boyfriend at the time.
his mom completely freaked... so much so that she hired a priest to try and change him. that didn't go over so well. he was, and still is emotionally abused by her. so much so that he broke up with me to avoid her questioning.
it got to his head... now he's trying so hard to be straight, if it means he'll be normal.
he wants a family.. he says it like he can't have one being gay. he wants a wife and a home and kids that are his, and yet, he's attracted to other guys.

and that is what makes teenage life depressing.

i'm trying to be there as much as i can as a friend, and excluding the fact that i love him-- and it's hard. especially since he's confessed still having feelings for me.

however, on the bright side, all of our friends are completely fine with us being gay.

[elrohir525]

@ Alex: I've had both positive and negative reactions from others (but definitely many more positive!), and all I would say is don't be too hard on yourself. Before you come out to the first few people, you have no idea how it will be, and we all need to feel a good safety level before we start the process. I'm glad to read that you've got great and supportive friends now!

@ Schteev: You're a really amazing friend to still be there for him, especially when his rejection must have hurt.... I hope he eventually hooks up with a good and ethical counsellor or priest who'll tell him how perfectly normal he is and that trying to change your god/goddess-given sexuality does not work and is a recipe for misery. Your mom sounds like a très cool lady!

[schteev]

my mom? yeah... she's cool with me being gay, but with other things she just kinda snaps...
like last night, for instance. my bedroom door is now split in two and unhinged.
although, this makes me really glad that she IS okay with me being gay, as i can't imagine what she'd do if she wasn't.

but i've been trying to tell him that he can't change his sexuality. he's so confused... i wish i could just magically transfer my perception of the situation over to him.. then everything would be fine.

[elrohir525]

Well, I'm glad your mom is at least cool about the coming out, but do you feel safe at home? That door-breaking sounds pretty extreme!

As for your friend, you could try to help him to access some of the local G/L/B/T-friendly support services. I see that the Yes Institute ( www.yesinstitute.org/resources/resources_and_referrals.php ), for instance, has a nice list of youth-focused agencies in south Florida.

[schteev]

i'm fine at home. if my mom ever tried anything else i've got people for support and places i can go.

i've gone to the guidance counselor at school and asked what to do to try and help him, and she suggested that he see some groups like that (after all, i'm a member of the GSA at my school and it helped me)
but he says that groups like that don't work - even though every one of his friends has urged him to do so. i can't force him to participate, so i guess all i have to do is wait it out and hope he realizes that he can't just wish to be straight and have it happen... it's just not how it works.


i guess there's nothing else i can do other than to be there for him when he needs a hug, and a friend, until he can sort his life out.

[elrohir525]

That's a relief to know that the safety issues are under control! And I think you're exactly right about your friend--he needs to want the help before it'll do him much good. He's lucky to have friends like you!

[schteev]

i'm just glad that he's got at least his friends for support when he needs it.
he's a really awesome guy whenever he's not tormenting himself over his sexuality.

i'd go as far as to say he's my best friend now
i've also got him addicted to Christian and Olli. i think he's taken to christian more as he can somewhat relate to him.

[elrohir525]

May 1, 2008 12:34:03 GMT -5 schteev said:

i've also got him addicted to Christian and Olli. i think he's taken to christian more as he can somewhat relate to him.

I'd say that sounds like a good sign! Wow, maybe soaps can be therapeutic as well as entertaining!

There's a discussion on another thread about Olli and Christian as role models, and I think it's especially great and important that shows like VL give us images of strong, loving, healthy gay relationships--we don't get to see them nearly often enough! I was just thinking of writing to Thore, and I'll have to include something about that!

[schteev]

seems like a good sign, but i don't know. i'll have to wait and see.

[mgh48]

Hey, all

Rather late to this thread.

I recently 'came out' to two ladies at work. During the years there, I've never discussed this issue with anyone---though, my political views are strong and I sometimes found myself arguing for Gay rights and so on at times---at work since I prefer to keep social issues away from there.

However, after watching O&C episodes, I came to discover that I was, in fact, sort of lingering in the closet. Of course, all my personal friends, my sisters, brother-in-law and so on have known for years. So, I never considered myself 'in the closet' until I saw this show.

Then, within the space of a week, I found myself telling these two women everything---because I thought they already knew heh heh.

Not only did they NOT know, they really wouldn't believe me for a few moments. After that, they fully accepted it and started asking me questions of the sort you can imagine. They want the details about my social life: are you seeing anyone? what's he like? etc and so on.

Before watching O&C, I'd resigned myself to no relationships of any kind---my choice. Then, suddenly on seeing these, I felt my emotions unclasp. I started feeling better and already have met someone. So, I'm much happier these days.

I suspect many of the men at work already know. How could they not? I never discuss women with them; I don't react to their sexual jokes like the other guys; I ignore the random porno mags that passengers leave here and there and they find, etc. Anyway, none of them raise the issue with me---just treat me like any other guy.

On the family front, when I told my mother years and years ago, she was heartbroken. Part of the reason was simply that she was raised in the deep South and such things were never discussed and Gay people were considered abnormal; the other, she wanted grandchildren from me. Over the years, I think she just ignores the whole thing and my sisters have given her the grandchildren she wanted. heh heh heh

For the most part, no straight men at work have talked to me about this. I'm a fairly large guy and in good shape (6+ feet tall) and I suspect many might be afraid to get on my bad-side with negative comments. Or, I'm lucky and I found a place where everyone has what I consider normal attitudes about such things---tolerance for people from different backgrounds, etc. This is not unusual in the airline business.

So far, the most humorous questions I've gotten from straight guys about being Gay is:

So, do you think I'm attractive?

LOL! It's happened every time so far and I never know how to answer this. Especially if they are a friend.

Geoff

[apollux]

May 28, 2008 8:05:12 GMT -5 mgh48 said:

So far, the most humorous questions I've gotten from straight guys about being Gay is:

So, do you think I'm attractive?

LOL! It's happened every time so far and I never know how to answer this. Especially if they are a friend.

Geoff

What about this, been there twice already: After just coming out to a female friend, one of the first questions I got was

"Do you think my boyfriend if hot?... I can't trust my (female) friends opinion, but a gay man should know"

And in both cases the boyfriend was indeep hot.

[sheepiefarm]

This is a thread I have steered clear of for some time, however having been on this forum for some time now - have decided to contribute.

I think there may be room for a CASE 5
They don't really want to know?
For me there have been numerous "coming out" times.

The first time I came out - I'd run away from home - this may give the impression of a frightened lonely teenager. I wasn't a teenager, but someone in my early twenties - albeit with the experience and social skills of an early teenager. I came out via a small rural gay switchboard and was "introduced" to the "gay community" within that small rural town area. For me it was the best time of my life and in some respects the worst. I was happy to finally be me - to interact with other guys (even though they were generally older), knowing they thought and felt the same way I did. Flirting - something that hitherto had been a completely unknown entity to me - was like opening a door to a side of myself that I'd never known existed - I can't begin to describe how such a simple act of interaction between people (taken for granted by millions) suddenly made me feel like a real person. Unfortunately for me I did not understand the desperate and incestuos nature of a small town gay community, and my new found enthusiasm came across far more than my indelible naivety.
A woman scorned - believe me - a gay man scorned in a small tight knit community is far worse.
Needless to say - retreat is the best act of defense - this I did - back home - however, once the cage door has been opened....
Next stop - a slightly larger rural town - a gay community more akin to my own age, therefore an opportunity to cultivate friendship.
I think this is one of the hardest things a gay man has to do - so many times it gets complicated by sex.
It was during this time I came out to my family - I use the term family in the vaguest of notions. I wrote a letter to my sister in the hope and understanding she would relay this information to my parents - which she did.
For a long time - due to the fact I was no longer "within" the farming community I had very little correspondance with them - even though they knew where I was they never visited once. It wasn't till I had re-entered the Farming sphere via my job - albeit in a different part of the country that a tenuous relationship with my parents has been re-established. However - to this day - my sexuality - or the fact that I am a single middle aged guy with no-one in my life - is not a subject for discussion. Maybe this is as much my fault as theirs. Maybe no-one has ever lived up to the standard of being "presentable" to my parents. Maybe I'm just glad they have an interest in my life again - albeit through what I do and not what I am. Maybe in truth - they don't ask - because, they don't really want to know.

[apollux]

Sorry to hear that situation with your "family". But here is a question for you:

Do you regret it? Coming out of the closet, I mean. Even if your family isn't cheering for you, don't you feel better now than back then?

I used to feel like my life was on hold until the moment I came out, and only after that moment I really started to live my own life.

[sheepiefarm]

Jun 1, 2008 19:51:16 GMT -5 apollux said:

Sorry to hear that situation with your "family". But here is a question for you:

Do you regret it? Coming out of the closet, I mean. Even if your family isn't cheering for you, don't you feel better now than back then?

I used to feel like my life was on hold until the moment I came out, and only after that moment I really started to live my own life.

No - I don't regret it one little bit.I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't come out and certainly wouldn't have encountered the side of society I have because of it - drugs, homelessness, prostitution, even death.
The above to some may sound like a macabre depiction of life - but it challenges everything you know - may think you know or may want to know about life and thus gives rise to the understanding of the ignorance and infallibility of people in general.
My apologies if my post came across as "poor little me looking for sympathy". I'm not actually sure if I could handle (now) my parents taking an interest in my personal life.
If I have one regret - it is that I have been born in to a way of life (one which I now realise I cannot give up) that raises very little opportunity for me to find love.
I am slightly uncomfortable with that last statement as it sounds terribly desperate and "cliche" which is not the intention of it, however I don't have the words to put it any other way.

However - standing alone in life - takes a huge amount of strength

[elrohir525]

Hi Sheepie! I just wanted to say that you don't come across as looking for sympathy at all, and I for one really respect how you seem to be trying to be really genuine about some difficult issues. I agree 100% about how sex can complicate friendships among gay men--that's happened to me so many bloody times! And I think there's still a lot of loneliness among gay guys, despite all the advances we've made in many areas (it must be especially hard for you rural dwellers...). Any chance of getting involved in some regional Pride-related activities? I've found that an excellent way to meet people, and was just thinking of joining the local organizing committee, myself! I don't suppose anyone's ever put together a G/L/B/T ceilidh in your neck of the woods? ;D How did you enjoy that story, BTW? I saw you mention that you were reading it at one point.

[mgh48]

In the arena of friendship---yes. This is becoming increasingly difficult to resolve, for me. I now understand why most of my friends have been straight men: for me, there was no possible misunderstanding about my motives. I've always told straight guys that I have decided I want as friends that I am Gay and that I am not attracted to straight men. Every time, so far, the situation has turned out well.

Straight guys talk to me about things they would never talk to their lovers or straight friends about. They, so far, don't have any problems showing platonic affection: hugging, for example.

Now, I am in the process of meeting Gay Men. And, for the first time in my life, I am truly feeling the need to do so. I've already met someone who is fast becoming someone I love (which is another topic--having been non-social for many, many years, I feel I need to take this very slow); therefore, any other Gay Men I meet, I just want friendship, nothing more. Surprisingly (to me at least) this is turning out to be much more difficult. I am not sure of all the nuances yet, but apparently, we must act standoffish in order to be sure our significant others do not become jealous or to be sure we do not convey the wrong meaning...

It's soooo much more complex than just having a straight male friend. Straight women friends are rather easy---especially when they find out I'm Gay. So far, they are really intrigued.

I have made one very good Gay friend recently. He's from Germany. Once we met and realized we weren't attracted to each other, then we relaxed and have just become really good friends. I love him dearly as a friend (very much realizing that you do not say this to German People--because it simply has much more profound meanings than the English phrase. Ich mag, Ich mag!). I'd do anything for him, anything. We talk about our new 'guys' and how we should feel at a given moment---whether we are going too fast or too slow. If I get too stressed about my situation, he brings me back down to earth. In short, he's become a very good friend.

I am tired of being around only straight people! I want to have more Gay friends

Geoff

PS: sheepie, thank you for telling us this. No, I don't think you are fishing for sympathy. You just needed to share your feelings. Thank you for doing so, my friend

[mgh48]

May 31, 2008 14:10:54 GMT -5 apollux said:

May 28, 2008 8:05:12 GMT -5 mgh48 said:

So far, the most humorous questions I've gotten from straight guys about being Gay is:

So, do you think I'm attractive?

LOL! It's happened every time so far and I never know how to answer this. Especially if they are a friend.

Geoff

What about this, been there twice already: After just coming out to a female friend, one of the first questions I got was

"Do you think my boyfriend if hot?... I can't trust my (female) friends opinion, but a gay man should know"

And in both cases the boyfriend was indeep hot.

Yes!

One of the women I talked to in my little story fished around about this to me. I haven't answered it, yet. I'm going to wait until she actually says the words.

For the record, yes, her husband is a very attractive man. I'll happily tell her so if she dares to actually ask me. heh heh heh

Geoff

[eldanesh]

i know i'm a bit late (a bit? hah!) but i'll share anyways.
i've always been accepting of who i am, so realizing i was attracted to guys wasn't big to me - it was just another strange part of me

but i knew it was different, way different than i usually am, so i kept it under wraps until high school where i met the cutest guy ever, who was pretty interested in me. so we dated a bit, and when we first started going out i just couldn't keep lying to everyone and i couldn't wait to tell everyone how awsome he was, so on facebook i marked myself as "in a relationship".

since i pretty much had a reputation as being essentially asexual, (gee i wonder why ) that was big news to everyone (it's a small school). so i got hounded for a good week with questions like "who is she?" "is she cute?" "does she go to this school?", untill i got fed up and said loudle right in the middle of one of my classes "She's a he, you dolts!"

that shut them up pretty well ;D
well, at least for a few seconds of shocked silence. then i was buried under an avalanche of more questions, like "who is he?" "does that mean you're gay?" "you don't look gay." "how long have you known?" etc.

after that i remember one of my friends gave me a rainbow pin that i wore. that produced some of the more funnier results, such as when someone came up to me and said"what is that?"
and i said "a rainbow pin." "why are you gay or something?" and she said that as an insult, too which gave me the pleasure of saying "yeah."
so she stood staring for about 5 seconds before telling me how awsome that is and how she wanted to take me shoes shopping. LOL! ;D

so after that coming out to my parents was no big deal, right?
well, it took me about three weeks to come out to my mother, who i was very close to. what i did was show her an e-mail convorsation i had with a friend of mine where i came out to her.
she asked me if i was sure i was gay, and once i told her i was, she was totally okay with it. as for the rest of my family, i didn't even have to bother, as my family is a big gossip ring, and i feel extreamly happy and proud to say all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, etc. were all accepting and supportive

anyways that was the most i've ever written in quite a bit. i better stop now before my wrists fall off

so the only advice i can give that (hopefully) wasn't repeated in this thread, is that you don't have to tell people face-to-face, a letter or note works well. and give the person in question time to process it, and don't feel sad if the react badly at first, it's just the shock of learning it.

[christianandoliver]

okay, i have come out to two girl (friends of mine). One of them i went to school to (i told after but never met her since school) and she said she thought i was brave telling her and i did because she have never been mean to me or anything unlike all the others i went to school to. i was being accused being gay on school but then i hadn't come out to myself yet. second time was this year. on work there was a girl and we were alone working and i told her about some news about heath ledger and that some christians was going to protest because of his role in brokeback. then she started saying that she thinks they are cute and so i asked her if she thought i was cute. she understood it right away and she thought it was cool of me telling her. but that's all i am out to. i don't know how to come out to my family. it's not like my father ever talks about feelings or anything, rather yell for everything. my mother seems to have more deeper and personal conversations with my sis than with me and my sis lives on her own but i still live with my parents. my mom told me my father has a friend in italy (he is from there) that was openly gay. he has caught me being on some sites but acts like nothing. and i am afraid of coming out because i am afraid that my father might react so much that it wouldn't be able to live here anymore and then where would i go? and some times it seems like my mother thinks i might be gay but then she says stuff like you should look after a girl (when we were away) and mabey she could have more grandkids. my sis i don't know. i think she would mabey be the most tolerant one. she fires up when she hears about homophobia. even though my mother doesn't do that she is cleerly not a homophob. i can tell that. but i feel so frustrated all the time because now my friends that i work with has quit and while i was sick. i don't hear from her anymore so i don't have many to talk to unless on a special norwegian chat site. you can say i am in the prosses but i gaven't come out to many. okay i remembered i told another girl i went to school to and was shocked when i got the awsner so what. just wanted to share.

[Jp]

*Sigh!* It's my turn.

Alright so let me man up and take the plate, haha that was funny (Yes I laugh at my own jokes) Alright so since i've been on this forum I've realized that a lot of people here have a lot in common even though we might range from about 15ish to somewhere around 40-55? Around there. I think that that is awesome.

Enough of the babble. Okay so I have came out(I would say I'm bi, but I'm probably just saying that to not admit that I'm really gay, but who knows?) to a couple of my friends, 5-6, and they accept me, they are all girls though. So we and these group of friends, have this friend who is really cute, and sweet, and we just have a great time together. But, when he is near me, I get all tingly inside, and I don't know what to say, or if I should just blurt out, "SHUT UP! I LOVE YOU CAN'T YOU SAY THAT YOU IDIOT?" But if I do that, I don't know how he will react.

I'm not even sure what his sexual orientation is. He might be straight, because well he has told me about past gf's he has had, and always talk about them, he might be bi, and swing both ways, or he might be gay, but I don't think he is, because a year ago one of my best friends asked him, and he said that he was into girls. Heartbreaking moment I know.

But I just don't know what to do anymore. I can barely talk to him, my eyes drift into every which direction (If you catch my drift ) and I got lost in those damn eyes. HELP?

I mean I have lesbian friends and they are really nice, but i don't think i have any gay friends, but him, oh man everyime he calls my name, i know i can't ignore him.
------------
Family, thats another story. So no one in my families know that i'm bi/gay(whatever I am). However, my sister has asked me a couple of times, and of course i've denied it, stupid stupid me. But, I think she thinks that I'm interested in men.

I've asked me mother what she would think if I was gay, and she said that she would be disappointed, or that her heart would break. I mean I love my mother, she's my everything, but that really hurt when she said that (we were watching brothers and sisters, and kevin and scotty(?) had kissed.) My father, oh boy that's a whole other chapter, I think that he would throw me out haha, not he would probably not accept me, i don't know, get really mad? Ahh the images.

For example, say we might be watchign a movie or a show, and there is a gay/lesbian couple they will say how they are gay and start up a conversation about the issue, and i will just break and die inside. It really does hurt. It's like a part of me is missing.

But I don't feel like it is the right time to come out to them. I need assitance.